Big Things Little Things

I always thought doing great things for God had something to do with being famous or doing something big for Jesus. Whether it be going to the ends of the earth to be a missionary or being martyred for preaching the Gospel; whether it be being an international speaker, writer of a best selling book or a worship leader of the largest church. This has been my definition of what the ultimate Christ follower was, as if it was something great to be achieved. Thus, I began to struggle with who I was and what I was doing. For years I fought this internal battle of feeling worthless and looking at what I was doing as not cutting it, because I wanted to be able to define myself as what I believed to be the "ultimate sold out Christian". These last few years have been eye-opening to me. I've journeyed through struggle and victory, frustration and peace and finally rest, knowing that what I am doing as a person really does not matter.

Let me explain myself. My whole life I have tried to define myself by what I do. In high school I was a youth leader, youth worship leader, and coach. That is how I viewed myself and what mattered to me. In college, all I could think of was marrying the love of my life. I was his and he was mine and that is who I was. When we got married and had a family, I was wife and mom. That is what I did and that is who I was. Later, we started working with a sex trafficking organization in town. I dug right in and began to define myself as the anti-sex trafficking activist. That was who I was and that was how I defined myself. Once we left that organization, we rented some land to start a community. We wanted to live off the land, raise some animals, and have a community of people around us who loved God and each other. It was all good, but then I began to define myself as that. I thought I was looking to God, but looking back, once I began to look at what we were doing and defined myself as the "farmer/caretaker/animal lover" and took my eyes off of God, it went from good to not good.

One lesson I am in the process of learning is that it does not matter what I do. What does matter is who I become. If I'm seeking the Lord every day and looking to Him for guidance, allowing Him to work in my heart and change me, then in the end, I will be made whole. I do not have to do big things for God in order to be a "good Christian". I do not need the world to pat me on the back and say, "well done!" I really do believe that God's view of big is not what we see as big. God sees the little things and those are bigger in His eyes that singing on stage at the largest church or writing a best selling book or speaking in front of thousands of people. There is a lot of freedom in that. I do not have to prove myself to anyone, nor do I have to prove myself to God. I can trust that God is teaching me and guiding me through life. I can know that He loves me.

MorFar & MorMor

Death is kind of a funny thing. No one likes to talk about it, yet it is one of those things in life in which no one can change.

For probably the last 10 years, we knew Morfar (my grandpa) was going to pass away. We often snickered behind my parent's back, mocking their, "Make sure you swing by and say goodbye to Morfar! We don't know how much longer we have with him." I probably said my final goodbyes to him hundreds of times. It wasn't until three weeks after he was put on hospice that I came by the house and I knew he was in his final moments. It hit me like nothing I had ever felt before. I had never lost anyone so close to me before.

I can remember going out of the room that afternoon all teary eyed and running into Mormor (my grandma). I asked her if she was ok. The absolute hell that woman must have been going through to see her husband of 62 years on his death bed! She was obviously trying so hard to be strong, but in that moment, she broke. She cried, "I have my moments." I remember crying into her chest as she held me. It was such a surreal moment; this wonderful, strong, loving woman, comforting me as I cried over the very real dawning that my dear grandpa, her husband, was going to be passing into the arms of Jesus very shortly. I wonder now how lonely those "moments" must have been for her.

That evening, my husband and I and our 4 kids went over to say our final goodbyes. I cried as each of my children kissed Morfar. I cried as Morfar looked into each one of their eyes and said, "I love you." There was never a doubt in my mind this man's love for his family. Hearing those final words to each one of my kiddos was a healing salve to my hurting heart.

Morfar and our daughter Kaitlyn had a really special bond. She was the one that would climb onto his lap and let him read to her. She was always the first one to run up to him and give him a hug. There were quite a handful of times during that evening he would look down at Kaitlyn and say, "Hello Kaitlyn." I can still hear him say those words.

Before we left, my husband turned around and gave Morfar a thumbs up. They smiled at each other and Morfar returned the thumbs up. He knew he was going to see Jesus face to face soon, and it was like they were saying a mutual, "See you on the other side."

The next evening Morfar had stopped communicating entirely. He was sleeping all the time now. I decided I should go over there one last time. I'm glad I did. One of the most powerful moments of my life happened that evening. It would be my last memory of my grandma and grandpa alive together. Morfar was having a coughing attack. I realized Mormor was in the room with him by herself, so I went in there to see if I could help with anything. I peeked in the room and there was Mormor taking Morfar's face in her hands and lovingly pleading with him, "You can go home now. I will be ok. Go to Jesus. I will be ok."

I kissed his forehead that night and said, "I love you," for the last time before I left.

The next morning was February 14th, 2014. Valentines Day. Morfar got to see his Savior. His passing was not a shock. We were expecting it. It was hard and sad, but we knew he was more alive than ever before.

Mormor made it two weeks and got through the funeral and burial. Then a few more days passed. She was home alone, walking outside to get the mail when she had a heart attack. She flagged down some neighbors that were walking by, then called the ambulance for help. She was rushed to the hospital where they opened up her clogged artery with a balloon.

She was still in the hospital, getting ready to be released to go to cardio rehab on March 10, 2014 when she suddenly had a major stroke. This beautiful, strong, loving woman passed away that same afternoon. As she breathed her last breathes, I echoed her words to her, "It's ok, you can go now. I love you." She died a few minutes after that.

I wish I could explain why it seemed so much easier saying goodbye to someone I expected to go. Yes it was extremely difficult to say goodbye to Morfar, but I was prepared. It was expected. I did not anticipate the agony my heart would feel to see Mormor on her death-bead. She was strong. She had more years left in her. She was not supposed to go yet.

I've heard it said that when you loose someone you've been with for so many years, when they pass away, it feels like a major amputation. I believe it.

Their love for the Lord and their love for each other was a testimony to everyone they came into contact with. Each and everyone of their kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids knew that they were dearly loved by Mormor and Morfar. Each and every one of us knew that Mormor and Morfar prayed for us every day. We knew that Mormor and Morfar were proud of us, not because of the things we had accomplished but because of who we were. They saw us as blessings from God and treated us as such. They were shoulders we cried on, listening ears when we needed one, they were prayer warriors and servant-hearted, they were teachers of art, sewing, rope knotting, jokes, songs and history. They are missed. They left this world a better place.

They had no monetary inheritance to leave behind, but what they did leave behind was an imprint much greater and of much more value than money. They left behind 3 generations of children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren; all of whom knew they were loved dearly, prayed for daily, and treasured immeasurably.

You can let go

Child of mine, stop and listen to my voice. Do you hear me? As you stand there gazing at the beauty I created for you, do you hear the rustling of the leaves? Do you hear the bird chirping in the distance? Do you hear the crashing of the ocean waves? Stop and listen.

Child of mine, stop and feel my presence. Do you feel me? I’m in the breeze that kisses your face. I’m in the snow flake that melts in your hand. I’m in the sunbeam that warms your back. I’m in the frost that freezes your nose. Stop and feel.

Child of mine, stop and see me. Do you see me? I’m in the daisy that sits in full bloom drinking in the sunrays. I’m in the rainbow shining through the misty rain. I’m in the towering, snow-covered mountains. I’m in the rushing river and trickling brook. Stop and see.

Child of mine, you try too hard. You try too hard to impress those around you. You try too hard to be someone I did not create you to be. You try too hard to make the money you feel you deserve so that you can have the life you think you want. Rest, for I am here to bring you rest.

Child of mine, you worry too much. You worry too much about what tomorrow will bring. You worry too much about how your kids will turn out. You worry too much about what you will wear, eat, and drive. You worry too much about what kind of house you will live in and what career you will have. You worry too much about correct theology and whether everyone else is doing it right. Stop, for you can trust me.

Stop and let me be your guide. I am in control. The world is in my hands, you can let go.

Take Care of Yourself

I remember talking to a mom a couple of months ago who has two older sons. She was complaining about how she didn’t get her nap in that day and honestly, I wanted to reach out and slap her! But, I controlled myself and muttered mean things under my breath as I walked away from that conversation. You see, I have not had a nap in probably two years. Ever since my now 4-year-old daughter refused to take naps as soon as she turned 2. The conversation inside of my head went something like this, “What the heck lady! You’re complaining about not getting your daily nap today?!? How about not getting that peaceful restful nap for 2 years? Come on! You Suck.”

Now, I know my attitude was not the greatest. Ok, I was the one who sucked that day (that probably would have been a good time to grab a pen and paper and begin writing the things I’m thankful for). But really, something I did come away from that conversation with was an excuse that worked for me. Out of that conversation, I realized that it had been so long since I had taken a nap and that I was literally jealous of this lady. Something was not right. I knew something in my life had to change.

One of the most difficult things for me to do as a mom is take care of myself. With a husband, 4 children, a puppy, 2 pregnant goats, a llama, and 12 chickens running around, I kind of have my plate full. I do not have time to take a nap, and I tend to feel guilty when I do take some extra time for myself.  

Guilty. I think this is a very common feeling for moms. A mom may feel guilty because she is so tired and worn out that the only energy she has for that particular day is to feed her kids when they’re hungry. Or, a mom may feel guilty because she left her baby to cry in their crib a bit longer than normal because she just needed to sit in silence. Some moms feel guilty leaving their kids with a babysitter. Other moms feel guilty because they can never find a babysitter, so they’re always bailing out on plans at the last minute.

There are a lot of moms out there who are dying inside because they are so tired. They walk around in their sweat pants and holy shirts all day, just getting by, themselves. A mom needs to be able to have it be ok to take a shower. A mom needs it to be ok to sleep in late one morning. A mom needs it to be ok to be able to go out alone or with a friend to sit and enjoy a cup of coffee or a good book (by ALONE I mean “without kids”). Dads listen to me: your wife needs you to give her the ok to go out and be a woman! She will be a much better wife and mom when she takes the time to take care of herself.

By “taking care of yourself”, I don’t mean stop taking care of you family. I’m talking here to the moms who have a hard time putting down their children so they can have their own basic needs met. I’m also speaking to the moms who are so overwhelmed with mommyhood, that they don’t know how to make time for themselves to get out of the house ALONE. I’m speaking to the moms out there who do not feel beautiful because their lives are so wrapped around their children, they do not make time to feel beautiful. These are the moms I want to reach and encourage.

Worshiping God in the Mundane

As a stay-at-home mom, I struggled with feeling like what I do doesn't matter. With constantly cleaning the house, folding the clothes, and doing the dishes, I let my mind go there; I would get down on myself and think of how tedious and boring my life was.

I read this book called: The Quotidian Mysteries by Kathleen Norris. One quote in particular really hit home for me:

"It is a paradox of human life, that in worship, as in human love, it is in the routine and the everyday that we find the possibilities for the greatest transformation. Both worship and housework often seem perfunctory. And both, by the grace of God, may be anything but. At its Latin root, perfunctory means "to get through with," and we can easily see how liturgy, laundry and what has traditionally been conceived as "women's work" can be done in that indifferent spirit. But the joke is on us: what we think we are only "getting through" has the power to change us, just as we have the power to transform what seems meaningless-the endless repetitions of a litany or the motions of vacuuming a floor. What we dread as mindless activity can free us, mind and heart, for the workings of the Holy Spirit, and repetitive motions are conducive to devotions..."

As I finished the book, I went back and looked over this quote and realized how true it is. If I see what I do everyday as a way to worship God, then my purpose in life is to worship God. What a GREAT mission and life-purpose! We are called to worship God in everything we say and do, so if I can praise God while I'm feeling stuck in the mundane, how many more areas of my life can I have that same attitude? If I can worship God when I'm alone and quiet or at church, I can definitely worship God while changing diapers and picking up dog poop. If I can worship God while I'm hiking in the wilderness or singing worship songs in my car, I can definitely worship God while I'm washing the 50th dish of the day or folding the 105th item of clothing. If I have an attitude of worship and my life-purpose is worshiping God, then everything I find myself doing can be bringing praise and glory to God if I let it.

Friends

Something that is truly important as a mom is to have a friend (or friends) you can laugh with, trust, and really lean on when you need help. Let’s be honest, every mom whose ever been a mom needs a break every now and then. Every mom needs someone they can call up and say, “Hey, I need some help.”

Being a mom can be very isolating and lonely, especially when you don’t have that friend you can call up and say, “Hey, I need a friend.” It can be a huge struggle for moms to get out on play dates, moms groups, Bible studies, etc…but I highly recommend doing something, even if it’s once a month. If you are not involved in a group, get on Facebook and see if anyone is interested. You’d be surprised at how many lonely moms there are out there that may not have the courage to reach out and start something!

I actually did this a few months ago. I was feeling lonely, uninvolved, and wanted a friend. I looked around for a MOPS group and the closest one to me had a waiting list, and the other two in town were closing down. MOPS is a great way to meet friends and be encouraged, this is why I wanted to join a group, but it didn’t help me to be on a waiting list. I didn’t want to get involved in a Bible Study, because I’m kind of anti-homework right now.

Don’t get me wrong, Bible Studies are great for some women! I just happen to be in a place in my life where it seems a bit overwhelming and cumbersome to me to have to read a chapter in a book and endlessly bounce around my Bible so I can fill in the blanks for the next week. Honestly, I’m not trying to knock Bible Studies, and I know I will probably get some heated feedback from die-hard Bible Study people. I’m more speaking to the moms out there who may find joining a Bible Study a little too much right now.

So, not because of my lack of trying, I decided to appeal to my Facebook friends. I figured (as I usually do) that if I was lonely, maybe there was another lonely mom out there who would join me in starting a play group. I posted something simple like: “Anyone out there want to join a new play date group? If so, what day of the week works best for you?”  Sure enough, three moms responded. Since we started, only one mom has joined me in our Tuesday morning play groups. It’s small, but, I have my friend! I accomplished my mission! Yay for social media!

Sanctus Real sings a song that talks about the need for friendship. We were created with a unique need for relationship. Yes, we most definitely need God, but we also need each other. Here are some of the lyrics to their song, “We Need Each Other”:

Oh, oh, we need each other so what’s the fighting for
Oh, oh, we need each other, please don’t close the door
Oh, oh, we need each other through all the highs and lows
Oh, oh, we need each other and I don't wanna be alone

I need you, you need me
'Cause that’s the way it’s meant to be
I need you, we need each other
I don’t want to be alone

So, if you are a mom and you are feeling isolated and lonely, and you are not already involved in a mom’s group, play group, or Bible Study, I highly encourage you to find one or start your own. We were created to be in relationship with one another, so step out of your comfort zone and make a friend!

Our Minds

We need to focus on where our minds are. Paul says in Colossians 3:1-2:

“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.”

It’s hard to be down on yourself when you are praising God and setting your mind on things above. It’s very hard to be in a bad mood or snap at your children when you are thanking the Lord for the good things He’s done in your life. Try it sometime and see what happens. See how long you can continue being mad at the world when you are writing a list of things you are thankful for. This is actually something I have done with my oldest son. There have been times he has been very upset over something and his “punishment” has been to write a list of 50 things he’s thankful for. If he complains, I up it to 100, so he has learned very quickly to just quietly walk away and write the 50 things he’s thankful for. When he comes back with his list, he is much easier to talk to about his attitude, or whatever situation needs to be addressed.

When we intentionally set our minds on Christ, filling it with things that are good such as Bible verses, wholesome music, and books that are uplifting and encouraging, we begin to see a change in our attitudes and outlook on life. We begin to find ways to praise the Lord while we’re making dinner; we learn that we can pray for our children and husband as we do their laundry; we can thank the Lord for our children as we change dirty diapers; we can pray for our child’s future as we rock them at night and try to get them to go back to sleep.

You see, our mind is where everything starts. If we are able to focus our thoughts on good things and keep our thoughts there, our outlook on the day becomes much brighter.

One thing I’ve done to help keep my mind on things above, is I make sure I have worship music playing while I’m making dinner. This seems to drown out the excess noise and helps me focus my thoughts on the Lord. I’ve also left my Bible open to a certain passage on the counter (usually Psalms), so while I’m running around getting snacks and drinks for the kids during the day, I’m able to stop and look down for a minute, grab a verse and mull it over. I have heard of moms placing key Bible verses in common areas (the mirror in their bathroom, by the speedometer in their car, on their kitchen sink, on the fridge, on their computer screen) so they can keep their minds focused on the Lord. 

Praise the Lord

There's just something about being in a beautiful place that makes you stop and praise the Lord. When you know the One that made that place and who He made it for, it's all the more overwhelming. We were flying over the Caribbean the other other day and as I looked out my window at how absolutely beautiful everything was, I couldn't help but praise the Lord. It was such an awe-inspiring experience.

Now, as I look out the window of my hotel onto the Caribbean ocean, I am again awe inspired at the beauty of His creation. I am so thankful that my God is one who cares about the details, like what bird should have which call, or what fish should have what color, or what each leaf should look like.

Nothing goes unnoticed by our Maker. Even as I lie here with the flu on this trip I have been looking forward to for 10 years...I could complain...ok, yes, I have complained, but I'm realizing that that is not the point. Can I praise God even when things don't go my way? Can I praise God when I wish things turned out differently? Can I praise God even when the whole world seems to be crashing in all around me? YES! The good news, is YES, I can praise God. I can look around and thank Him for His awesome creation. I can hear the waves crashing onto the shore and praise the Lord, for He is good!

I can get stuck in my complaining mode, or I can choose to take my eyes off of myself and look out. Today I choose to look out and praise the Lord!

Supermom

There is a common misconception out there that a mom must be supermom. This often leads to feelings of frustration and guilt as one is trying to gain the supermom status. Sometimes this supermom expectation could be the idea that one must have the hour-long quiet time with the Lord she used to have in order to be the godly mom and wife she’s been called to be, but she is so up to her elbows in diapers, refereeing, and house duties, that hour of quiet with her Lord is quite impossible.

There are also supermom expectations that include: a spotless home, a healthy organic dinner being ready on time every evening, you must look good for your husband at all times or he will stray, and it’s your job as supermom to keep your family happy at all times. No wonder it can be overwhelming, isolating, and lonely being a mom! If I have to be the definition of supermom to be a good mom, I have failed miserably and God, help my kids!

If we allow supermom to define how we’re doing as a mom, something is going to fall through the cracks, and that usually ends up being our very own sanity! I have seen this happen too many times...to myself. I have gone many-a-days without a shower, throwing my hair up in a ponytail to hide the grease and tangles. I have gone many lunches without eating because I’m too busy getting my kids’ lunches together then cleaning up the kitchen and moving on to the next activity. I have had countless sleepless nights as babies and older kids learn to sleep through the night or get sick. I have eaten many cold dinners after the kids are done because I’ve been too busy trying to wrangle the kids during the meal to eat it when it’s hot. Taking care of our family is not a bad thing…it’s actually something we are called to do as wives and mothers. It’s when being “mom” replaces who we are in Christ, or when mom is only mom and nothing else. This is when a mom can easily burn out and not be the woman, wife, and mother God intends for her to be.

If you have been feeling guilty or frustrated because you can’t accomplish as much as you think Supermom Sally down the street can, stand up and say, “SUPERMOM DOES NOT EXIST!” Because, guess what? She doesn’t. There is no such thing as supermom. It is a figment of our imagination. It is something our society and/or our imaginations have made up to live up to something that is completely impossible. It is discouraging and unattainable.

Now that we know that supermom does not exist, we can begin to shred off the lies and misconceptions that come with the term “mom” and we can begin to walk in the truth and freedom that Christ brings. We can become the women, wives, and mothers that Christ has created us to be, and we can have more grace with ourselves when we feel we have messed up.