Story

I have always struggled with not having a "cool" conversion story. I remember in high school and college hearing these stories of how so many people had these "turn to Jesus moments" and I felt kind of jealous. Not because I wanted to go through hell to find Jesus, but because I thought my story was boring. I didn't think anyone would want to hear it because I didn't think there was any excitement to it. I was embarrassed to go places where I knew I would have to share my testimony because I didn't feel like I had anything to say.

I grew up in a Christian home. Got baptized when I was 7. End of story. Yeah.

The last few months I feel like God is showing me how untrue that is. It is never the "end of the story" until you're face to face with God...but even then, that's just the beginning of eternity. So in reality, is it ever really truly the end of the story? I'm beginning to think not.

It never really dawned on me how ingrained these feeling were until I was reading about the things I needed to do in order to become a member at our new church. I read that I'm going to have to share my testimony with someone and I realized that I had no idea what to say. I couldn't share that I was on the streets and into drugs when all of a sudden Jesus appeared. I didn't have a story...so I thought.

Right around that time is when I started seeing some things inside of me that I didn't want to see. I started noticing how prideful I am. I started realizing that I'm really good at gossiping, but not so good at building other people up. I began to see how selfish my motives are. I started to see myself in a whole new light and was completely disgusted with the person I was seeing.

No, I don't have the obvious outward sins that other people might struggle with which makes for a "cool" story. What I do have is inward yuckness that Christ has revealed to me in a bombarding sort of way. I feel like He is saying, "no, you have not been burdened with sins that man sees, but you do have these areas in your heart that you have hidden away that I see, and you need to give those to Me. I despise those."

Talk about a humbling thump on the head. Thankfully, I serve a God who loves me despite my weaknesses. He sees my heart and even though He sees how terribly ugly it is, He still loves me and cares for me. Wow, I'm amazed at that.

I may not have had a super cool conversion story filled with awe-inspiring wowness, but I do have a story. And really, it's not my story, it's the story of Jesus that really matters.

Romans 7:24-25a NLT
"Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Romans 8:1-2 NLT
"So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death."

Body Image

I got to thinking this morning of how different we as women see ourselves, specifically our bodies, than other people. Under all the layers of clothes, we are able to see our bodily imperfections, and it can make one feel quite depressed. So, if you're a guy, you probably should stop reading. If you're a mom, come laugh with me at the thoughts I've had about myself...as I'm sure you've had similar thoughts about your own body or things you do...if not, oh well, maybe I'm just the weird one!

Is that left-over makeup from yesterday or bags under my eyes?

No time for a shower today...here comes the body spray!

When was the last time I shaved?

"Do your boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Can you throw them over your shoulder like a continental soldier? Do your boobs hang low?"

How about that left-over baby pooch of a belly? Ach...that's probably always going to be there. Thankfully I have a couple of shirts that can hide that so I don't have to walk around sucking in my stomach all day.

Hips. Oh yeah. Hips. Those pants will NEVER fit again, because unfortunately, my hips will never go back to post-baby size.

How do these shoes not fit my feet anymore?

Wow, I really need to shave my knees a little...a LOT better! There are some hairs that could pass for head hair!

How did this string of snot get on my clothes? Oh yeah...all the kids have colds.

My boobs are looking like they're hanging much closer to my bellybutton than my shoulders these days...

How did this Fruit Loop get on the couch? Huh, doesn't smell bad...(so I eat it)

Wow...my toe hairs are LONG! When was the last time I shaved those?!?

I really should start exercising, those rolls on my sides are starting to droop over my pants!

Oops. These pants are getting tight, I should probably slow down on the chocolate!

And the list goes on and on and on. Yes, I wanted to share those with you because I know it's something we as women struggle with on a daily basis. It's fun to laugh at ourselves, it seems to help. I have also found that encouraging each other helps most of all. Encouraging each other to look beyond our appearance, to look deeper and know that God sees something greater than a flabby belly, saggy boobs, and squishy butt. He sees our hearts. He knows our deepest thoughts and desires and He cares about us.

1st Peter 3:3-4 says:
Don't be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.

Idiot

Have you ever had one of those moments where you do something and realize later that it's not what you meant to do and then feel like a complete idiot? I seem to have those moments a lot...but yesterday was pretty embarrassing.

I've been going to the Wednesday morning Bible Study at our church for a little over a month now, and there's this girl who just moved to the area who has talked about how much she is wanting to make some friends. Her story kind of sounds like mine...the whole picking up the family and moving across the country and not knowing anyone part. So, yesterday I thought I'd email her and see if she was going to go to what's called "Group Link" at our church on Sunday. It's where new people can come and meet friends and hopefully create a small group.

I was thinking that maybe I just needed to take the first step and reach out to her. Of course, I get about half-way through two sentences in the email and completely chicken out.

Later that evening I was taking my son to his baseball practice and thought I should check my email. I realize that I don't see that unfinished email anywhere. I get a very sinking feeling and decide to look in the sent mail. Of course, in my haste, I had sent it when I had actually meant to delete it. Great.

So, all these feelings are running through my head. I'm such an idiot. How could I have done that? What was I thinking? Come on!?! Now she's going to think I'm some crazy stalker. Great, I have to face her every Wednesday at Bible Study for the whole year! What and IDIOT!

My husband gets home and I shamefully tell him what had happened that day. I even read him the email:

Hi Natalie,

This is Jennie from Bible Study. I wanted to ask you today if you guys are going to go to the Group Link

Sent from my iPhone

That's all it was. He asked me if I had written her back. No, I hadn't had time to try to rectify my stupidity. So, I did. I still haven't heard back from her.

I'm sure it will all be fine. I'm sure it won't be the last time something like that happens. It's just one of the thousands of embarrassing moments in the life of Jennie Denney.

Watermelon Whisperer

I never understood the excitement gardeners had until this summer. My husband built a couple of raised gardening beds in our backyard and we began our journey to try and figure out this whole gardening thing.

We started small with some jalapeno peppers, yellow, red, and green bell peppers and watermelon. Out of all that, we gleaned only 1 jalapeno pepper....and it was the one that was already on the plant when we got it from the store. Yes, it was a disappointing first run.

Sure, it was the hottest summer on record in Texas, and there were the few times I forgot to water the garden, it was still a little deflating. It's ok though, my husband read that the fall growing season in northern Texas is actually one of the better times to grow things, so we tried again. We kept the watermelon, since it still looked like it was growing. We planted everything else by seed which included summer and winter squash, pumpkin, carrots, beans, sunflower, lettuce and a few other trial vegetables.

I noticed one day that the watermelon plant had what looked like a baby watermelon and a flower growing on it. I got very excited and showed my husband. Unfortunately nothing happened. Much to my disappointment, during the next few days, I watched the little guy wither and die.

I did some reading about watermelons and read that #1 there is a shortage of honey bees, so it could be a pollination problem and #2 excessive heat has a tendency to kill off pollen. Then I read up on ways to self pollinate, since that was something I knew I could help with. Next, I waited until another baby watermelon with a flower popped up.

It took a good 3 weeks for this to happen. This morning I looked out my back window after it had rained most of the night, and noticed that there were a few more yellow flowers growing on the watermelon plant than what I had considered "normal". I walk out there, carefully looking over each flower and YEAH! We have a "female flower"! (That's what they call the flowers with the baby watermelon underneath them.) As I talked to the plant excitedly telling it how I had waited and waited for a flower such as this I looked for a "male flower" (the flowers that don't have the baby underneath it) to speed along with the pollination process. I found a really good one who had a ton of pollen and pealed off the petals. I rubbed that pollen all over that female flower like there was no tomorrow! I kept saying, "I want you to be the biggest juiciest watermelon ever! So, come on now, be fruitful before the winter sets in!" As you can see, I really want a watermelon!

I ended up texting my husband the exciting news. I told him about my talking to that little flower and he texted back calling me the "watermelon whisperer". That's when it dawned on me that yes, if we actually get something edible out of this garden, I will enjoy this new hobby. So, we'll see. It is funny how excited gardeners get about their garden...it seems as though I may join this crowd.

Sacrifices

As a mom, there are numerous times where one has to make sacrifices for her children. This morning was one of those mornings.

I received an email from my son's second grade teacher saying he was going to receive an award at their school assembly today. I decided that it would be important to go, since after all, I am his mother.

As I'm packing my two babies into the car to head over to the school, they are both suddenly struck with a case of the grumps. I quickly realize that this may be one of the longest and most inconvenient hours of my life. If my son had not asked me if I was coming and if I had not said yes, I probably would have just said "forget it" and stayed home. But no, I made a promise to my boy and I needed to make sure he knew I was there.

I get to the school and unload the stroller then place the babies in their seats. That's when I realize I have not brought any snacks or anything for my 2-year-old to play with. Wow, this really is going to be a LONG assembly.

Not many people are there at first, so I pick the seat that I think will be the easiest to get out of. Everything is fine for about 5 minutes, then my daughter starts to get bored. Yeah. I'm looking around as other parents are filing in with their well-behaved toddler children and I'm feeling like the only mom that doesn't have anything put together. In about 10 minutes the assembly starts and that's just about the point when my daughter starts screaming and my son starts crying.

After I get a few irritating shushes from the goody-two-shoes fourth grader in front of us, I move to the very back of the room, where I notice a few other moms with younger kids are standing and I figure this looks like a great spot to be. I kept asking myself why on earth I didn't just leave...what kept me there was the smile I got from my son when he saw me.

I happen to stand next to a lady whose son was playing a video game on the floor. While I'm trying to calm the baby, I see her crouch down next to my two-year-old and ask her if she wants to color. My daughter happily says yes, and is given some paper an crayons.

I happily thank the kind lady as she explains that she has two kids close in age like my two youngest, so she's been there. I smile and tell her it was one if those mornings where I just kept asking myself what on earth I was doing there. She smiles back and says she has those days quite often.

It was in that moment that I realized that my attitude was the one that was the rotten one. Yes I was miserable. Yes my two kids were horrible...but in the end, none of it was about us. It was about being there for my second grader. It was about showing him that I loved him and supported him no matter what. Talk about God showing up and shining a light on a very ugly part of my heart!

I know that there will probably be so many more uncomfortable and inconvenient situations I'm thrown into as a mother. I just hope and pray that I am reminded that none of it is about me. It's about my children knowing that they are loved and that we are proud of them.

The Brave Face

I've never found it very easy to put on "the brave face" for my kids. Like when there's a storm and the cracks of thunder are deafening, it can be pretty scary. Last night we had one of those storms. The lightning completely lit up the sky and that thunder was unlike anything I had ever heard...welcome to Texas, right? The kids were spooked at the sounds so we let them try to sleep in our bed while we were still in the living room. All of a sudden after a massive thunder crack the power goes out. Ryan immediately jumps up and runs into our room to be with the kids, while I stumble around in the dark trying to find the flashlights.

I must say, it was a pretty awesome experience laying in our bed holding our kids and trying to calm them while the storm passed. It gave me a picture of how God is during our "storms". Sometimes I cry and scream at God when I can't hear Him, when that whole time, He's right there next to me.

My husband used to travel down to Southern California a lot for work. There were a few times we would pack up the family and drive the 8 hour drive south, so we could spend the week with him. It was on one of those trips that I decided I would take my three kids (I was pregnant with our fourth at the time) to the Aquarium in Long Beach by myself. Toward the end of the time there, the kids saw the bird exhibit and wanted to go into it. I thought that sounded like a fun idea, so I got Kaitlyn out of the stroller and bypassed where they were handing out the bird-food containers and went into the enclosed bird exhibit. All was going well until one bird decided he liked the smell of my hair and came and landed on my head. I really was trying to be brave...but obviously it didn't work. Reagan (my daughter who was 4 at the time), bursts into tears while I'm standing there holding the baby, helpless, while this bird pecks uncomfortably at my hair.

I feel eyes staring at me from everywhere! Finally, after what felt like FOREVER I hear a really sweet voice asking me if I want the bird on my head. I slowly turn around and see a really nice worker and manage to squeak out a "No, not really." Thankfully she was able to get the bird out of my hair and I must say...we did not stay in that birdcage a second longer. We left pretty quick after that...but man, talk about feeling like Mom Failure of the Year! I probably scarred my kids for life!

I got to thinking about that bird-story last night while we were lying in bed with the kids when it hit me. No matter how many time I find myself failing as a mom, I am so incredibly thankful that I have a God that loves me despite my failures.

Cribs

Today just so happens to be one of the very few days that I have managed to pull off having both babies napping at the same time. I feel like I was so much better at that with my older two kids. Maybe I've just softened as a mom the more kids I've had....or maybe I'm just more used to having the noise, so it doesn't bother me as much if I don't get a break. Emphasis on the "as much".

Unfortunately, the amazing quietness has not lasted long though. I hear my youngest making noises up in his crib. But honestly, the amazing part about cribs is that they actually keep your babies in their bed! I was always so quick to try to get my toddlers into their "big kid" beds...I look back and wonder...why? What was the rush? Isn't it wonderful to know that once you hear them you have a couple of minutes to finish up what you were doing then go get them? Yes, I know some kids are able to crawl out of their cribs sooner than most, or they have a little brother or sister on the way, so you want to get the new baby room ready. I guess I'm just speaking in general about the rush we go through when we have our kids. It's always about what's the next step.

I remember when my first was born I was all about looking ahead. I couldn't wait until he fit into the bigger clothes, just so I could see what they looked like on him. I couldn't wait until he could hold his own bottle (I don't think that desire went away with any of my new-borns) or till he could sit up, crawl, stand up, walk, talk. Everything was "what's he going to do next"...so much so, that I really don't feel like I was able to enjoy much of the "what's going on now".

I know as parent's we all have regrets...that is probably always going to be one of my greatest regrets. I wish I had been able to slow down and enjoy the "now" more when we just had our one little baby. Life just picks up even more speed the more kids you have. I must admit though, even though I learned the hard way, I have tried to make it a point to enjoy the baby-years of my other three as much as I can. It can be very hard, but it's important. My oldest is 7 years old already....I'm really not sure where all that time has gone. He will be an adult sooner than I am ready for him to be, so I will try to enjoy these few and fleeting years as best as I can.