As I was praying this morning, I was praying that God would give us a new vision for life that included our children. It dawned on me that the visions we were very generously given by God in the past, had room for our kids, but I had taken them out of it. Maybe it was because I didn't know how to incorporate them...or maybe...and quite possibly with more truth to it, but uglier to admit....it was because deep down, I wanted to do it all on my own. I wanted to manage and manipulate those visions to look like something that probably looked very different than what God had intended. I took those visions, got excited about them, and then tried to force them into a me-sized-box. In the end, when none of my forcing, squeezing, and manipulating worked, I felt like a failure. And then I looked at my kids and this fear began to grow inside of me. I feared that I had, through my selfishness and manipulativeness, damaged them for life.
As I dwell on this fear, I realize how many other parents have felt the same way about what they have done or how they have treated their children. How many of us have allowed that fear to permeate our lives, allowing it to take control of who we are as human beings...creating this vicious cycle of guilt, regret, and remorse? We walk through life in a continuous fog thinking back on all the ways we could have done it better or changed what we did...not realizing that we are doing the same thing we did earlier...it just looks different. It seems to be a vicious cycle.
While I'm thinking about this fear that has slowly creeped into my inner-self, I'm looking at pictures of my four kids, and I see their beautiful smiles smiling back at me. It dawns on me that each one of them knows that they are deeply and truly loved. Even though I may feel at times that I have screwed them up, what matters most in the end is that they know they are loved and accepted at the deepest level of their being...and I cannot fill that, only the love of Jesus can.
I will fail again and these fears will continue on...that is a guarantee, BUT through it all, I am so grateful! God is gracious and loving and forgiving. He knows me and loves me where I'm at! There is no damage I can do to any of my children that God cannot mend and for this I am so thankful! Thank you Jesus! I can point my children to You, but You call them and draw them to You. May my failures point them to You.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Scratching the Itch
I'm at a funny place right now. Funny may not be the right word...I'm just not sure what other word would be appropriate to describe right now.
Three years ago we moved back home with a goal. That goal was to find some land, learn the farming ropes, get involved with a human trafficking rescue organization and live in community with people as we farmed. This was where we believed God had called us. This was the ultimate scratch that would satisfy the itch we had been feeling for some time.
We moved back home. Check.
We got involved with a human trafficking organization. Check.
We quickly learned that what we wanted to do as rescuers was replacing our most important duties...being present parents to our 4 elementary school aged children, so we stopped. Uncheck.
We found a rental home on an acre where we could get some goats and chickens and somehow ended up with a llama. Check.
We learned how expensive the animal upkeep was and how mucking the stalls really wasn't all that glorious. Goats are heavy. When you trim their nails sometimes they step on you and it hurts. Milking them is a lot of work too...especially when your family doesn't like goat milk and you have more milk piling up in your freezer than you know what do with. One things for certain, I got really good at making ricotta...but even then, there's only so many recipes that call for that type of cheese! When the goats gave birth it was one of the most scary but exhilarating experiences of my life. They were supposed to be about 3 weeks apart but ended up going into labor on the same day. We started with 2 pregnant goats expecting them to have maybe one or two babies each. We ended up with one goat having triplets and the other having quadruplets. Mind you, we know nothing about goats. Thank you, Youtube, for teaching us everything we needed to know...like how to give a shot to a goat. How to castrate a goat. What a goat looks like in labor. How to cut the umbilical cord of a goat. How to milk a goat. How to de-horn a goat. How to butcher a chicken. Etc. After many tears (mostly from me...ok, all from me...) we came to the decision that farming may not be for us. Uncheck.
Now, here we are looking back over the last few years wondering what went wrong. We had these goals and truly believed that's where God was leading us. Reached the goals...but in the end, we failed miserably.
Looking back, I've tried to figure out what went wrong. Why did we fail? I think what I've come to conclude, is that the thing I lost sight of was where our kids fit in all of those goals and dreams. The goals and dreams in and of themselves weren't bad. It was not that we weren't following God's plan for our lives...it was more that we were going on this adventure and sort of dragging our kids along because, well, they were our kids. I got so wrapped up in what we were doing that I was missing out on being the mom our children needed. I wasn't seeing our kids as a gift from the Lord; I was seeing them as something holding me back. A burden. In the way of what I wanted to do. It was not pretty and I am not proud of it.
So, here I am, watching God strip another piece of yuck off of me that I am not proud of and it hurts! I see the ugliness and selfishness that is in me and I am disgusted and humbled, and I am reminded that God is not done with me yet. Thank you Jesus for being so patient with me! Thank you for your grace and mercy. Thank you for revealing to me the areas of my life that need to be molded and shaped into Your likeness only a little bit at a time and not all at once...for that would be overwhelming!
I thought the itch was something I needed to do, but I was wrong. I'm learning that the itch was actually someone I needed to become.....and that someone is Jesus. I will never be satisfied doing anything unless I am actively working toward becoming more like Christ. When I am actively working toward becoming more like Christ, I won't see my children as a burden or something that is holding be back from what I want to do. I will see them as the beautiful blessings they are and they will naturally become a part of the life journey God has called our family to.
Three years ago we moved back home with a goal. That goal was to find some land, learn the farming ropes, get involved with a human trafficking rescue organization and live in community with people as we farmed. This was where we believed God had called us. This was the ultimate scratch that would satisfy the itch we had been feeling for some time.
We moved back home. Check.
We got involved with a human trafficking organization. Check.
We quickly learned that what we wanted to do as rescuers was replacing our most important duties...being present parents to our 4 elementary school aged children, so we stopped. Uncheck.
We found a rental home on an acre where we could get some goats and chickens and somehow ended up with a llama. Check.
We learned how expensive the animal upkeep was and how mucking the stalls really wasn't all that glorious. Goats are heavy. When you trim their nails sometimes they step on you and it hurts. Milking them is a lot of work too...especially when your family doesn't like goat milk and you have more milk piling up in your freezer than you know what do with. One things for certain, I got really good at making ricotta...but even then, there's only so many recipes that call for that type of cheese! When the goats gave birth it was one of the most scary but exhilarating experiences of my life. They were supposed to be about 3 weeks apart but ended up going into labor on the same day. We started with 2 pregnant goats expecting them to have maybe one or two babies each. We ended up with one goat having triplets and the other having quadruplets. Mind you, we know nothing about goats. Thank you, Youtube, for teaching us everything we needed to know...like how to give a shot to a goat. How to castrate a goat. What a goat looks like in labor. How to cut the umbilical cord of a goat. How to milk a goat. How to de-horn a goat. How to butcher a chicken. Etc. After many tears (mostly from me...ok, all from me...) we came to the decision that farming may not be for us. Uncheck.
Now, here we are looking back over the last few years wondering what went wrong. We had these goals and truly believed that's where God was leading us. Reached the goals...but in the end, we failed miserably.
Looking back, I've tried to figure out what went wrong. Why did we fail? I think what I've come to conclude, is that the thing I lost sight of was where our kids fit in all of those goals and dreams. The goals and dreams in and of themselves weren't bad. It was not that we weren't following God's plan for our lives...it was more that we were going on this adventure and sort of dragging our kids along because, well, they were our kids. I got so wrapped up in what we were doing that I was missing out on being the mom our children needed. I wasn't seeing our kids as a gift from the Lord; I was seeing them as something holding me back. A burden. In the way of what I wanted to do. It was not pretty and I am not proud of it.
So, here I am, watching God strip another piece of yuck off of me that I am not proud of and it hurts! I see the ugliness and selfishness that is in me and I am disgusted and humbled, and I am reminded that God is not done with me yet. Thank you Jesus for being so patient with me! Thank you for your grace and mercy. Thank you for revealing to me the areas of my life that need to be molded and shaped into Your likeness only a little bit at a time and not all at once...for that would be overwhelming!
I thought the itch was something I needed to do, but I was wrong. I'm learning that the itch was actually someone I needed to become.....and that someone is Jesus. I will never be satisfied doing anything unless I am actively working toward becoming more like Christ. When I am actively working toward becoming more like Christ, I won't see my children as a burden or something that is holding be back from what I want to do. I will see them as the beautiful blessings they are and they will naturally become a part of the life journey God has called our family to.
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